Motoring Humour
From time to time, customers, friends, suppliers and our own staff will come across something that makes them laugh out loud. Sometimes its something very remarkable that makes your jaw drop. We love it when it is motoring related but anything that can put a smile on your face is good.
If you find something funny, strange, awesome or clever; please let us know and we will add it to this section (asuming its legal, decent, honest and funny.
Here is one that will make you gasp.
A New York man retired. He wanted to use his retirement money wisely, so it would last, and decided to buy a home and a few acres in Portugal.
The modest farmhouse had been vacant for 15 years; the owner and wife both had died, and there were no heirs. The house was sold to pay taxes.
There had been several lookers, but the large barn had steel doors, and they had been welded shut.
Nobody wanted to go to the extra expense to see what was in the barn, and it wasn't complimentary to the property anyway, so nobody made an offer on the place.
The NY guy bought it at just over half of the property's worth, moved in, and set about to tear in to the barn. Curiosity was killing him.
So, he and his wife bought a generator and a couple of grinders and cut through the welds. What was in the barn?
Find out by clicking here and start wishing you bought the place 
The Policeman pulled over a car and strolled up to the drivers window: "Excuse me sir, but do you know that you're driving without a rear light?" The driver jumped out and ran to the rear of his car and let out a whimpering groan. The driver seemed so genuinely distressed that the policeman took a sympathetic view: "Don't take it so hard, it's not all that serious an offence..." "Isn't it" the driver cried, "Where's my caravan gone?"
Some people just lack any common sense or are just desperate - but how desperate can you be about building materials? While the wood is obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each. The Police who spotted this desperado, estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the rear shock absorbers were driven through the floorboard.
Tempest of Lichfield can supply a range of roof bars and towing equipment from only £75.
Far cheaper than a set of shock absorbers, wheels and a hefty fine.
Why not contact our Parts department today with details of what you are looking for.
Phone 01543 421885 or email
Parts@Tempest-Ford.co.uk.
The Policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled along the vehicle, wound down his window and shouted "Pull over!" "No" she replied, "they're socks!"
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door
if they could spend the night.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
A man in a Jaguar passed a mini that had broken down by the side of the road. Being a kindly driver, he stopped and fixed a tow-rope to it and began towing it
to the nearest garage. After 10 minutes of towing, a Porsche passed them at high speed. The Jaguar driver was not going to be outdone by a Porsche, so, forgetting
that he had a mini in tow, slammed his foot down and the Jaguar and Porsche indulged in a high-speed race down the road, the Skoda and it's occupant trailing wildly
about at the end of the rope frantically trying to attract their attention and failing.
A Police car saw them and gave chase. The Police driver radioed back to Headquarters "Sarge, you'll never believe this, I've just seen a Porsche and a
Jaguar neck and neck doing 150 mph - and a bloke in a mini flashing his lights, blowing his horn and trying to overtake them!"
There was once a small snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he heard that an uncle of his had died and left him some money! Now his dream could be realised! He bought himself a car, souped it up, and then painted a large red "S" on it. When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked him why he had painted the big red "S" on the car? Simple, the snail replied; when people see my car go zooming down the, track I want them all to exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!
A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the bonnet to see if he could find out what had happened. A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man. After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburettor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again. Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked. The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie." The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carbuerator to me.'" The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."
Let Tempest Ford service your car. Our team of highly qualified technicians can promise you a first class service or repair.
We don't employ cows of any colour
Call Service reception on 01543 421 880
A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence. 'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.' 'Well,' replies the woman, 'I have contacts.' 'Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.'
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
- On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
- On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
- On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
- On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
- On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
- On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
- On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
- On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (ouch)
****Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light*****
Slow down for three minutes to read this. ?It is so worth it. Touching words from the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
- "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8
- "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth" Billy - age 4
- "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5
- "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
- "My mummy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Claire - age 6
- A four year old child lived next door to an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's garden, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
- Go to the link below. After reading each window, click on the boy in the lower right corner of the picture.
- In the last window type in your answer in the white box using the keyboard (there is NO cursor).
- Watch the paper in the boy's hand. You will be amazed . . and no, I don't know how it's done. Click here to try it out
Click here to send your jokes and stories to Tempest Online and see if you can make us laugh